The wreckage of my past…

If you’re a fan of heavy metal, those five words probably played in your mind like they do when the song comes on. If not - it’s okay. You may be able to relate anyway.

It’s been a while since my last post - I’ve been dealing with some of my own things and needed to focus there.

As we work toward healing our childhood trauma, we put a lot of our past behind us. We carry on, we rise up, we overcome.

What we too frequently are not prepared for is when the parts of our past that are filled with shame come back and sneak up without us realizing the catastrophic blow we are about to feel. We may feel shame about our pasts, we may have memory gaps because we dissociated, we may feel fear that the past can wreck our current relationships or momentum.

The simple fact is that our pasts will haunt us. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat, tears running down my face, body trembling as I recall a memory of my abuse that I had locked away or a moment in time that seems like a lifetime ago that I had placed somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind because I had felt as if I wasn’t even there - as if someone else was in my body and at the reigns.

How do we work through these things? How do we move forward?

Let’s switch gears quickly - are you someone who forgives easily? Who wants people to be their best selves and live their best lives? I am. That’s my superpower and my weakness. I want people, from long time friends to people I’ve just met, to win at life. I want them to overcome their pasts, their struggles, their pain, and succeed. More than succeeding, I want them to THRIVE! I have coached people who live with such shame and guilt to forgive themselves. I have forgiven over and over because I believe people change, evolve, can become better.

Now the question to answer becomes…do you give yourself the same grace, love, and forgiveness that you give to others? I’m going to bet, and I say this from personal experience, that the answer is no. I’m going to bet that you, like me, will beat yourself up for years about the things in your past that you did when you didn’t know how to show up better.

Healing is not for the faint of heart - you have to face your past - in one way or another. A conversation recently came up where I had to recognize that the way I showed up for someone was not what they had needed. In my own trauma and spaces where I was not yet able to heal, I had shown up for them driving an outcome that was exactly the opposite of what I wanted, what I needed, what I desperately hoped for. I thought I showed up with love (love that was frustrated with their behaviors but love nonetheless). As this person and I spoke, I realized that as they were going through their own hard times, they had needed me to show up with love and patience, instead I showed up with frustration, anger, and I hate to admit it, a condescending attitude that made them feel unloved, unseen, unheard, and pushed away. In those moments I was showing up in ways that weren’t helpful, but I have had to realize and forgive myself for the fact that at that moment, I was doing the best that I could in a world where I was not yet equipped with the tools to handle the situation I found myself in.

Healed is not a destination - healing is a journey. A journey that creates growth, recognition, calms the nervous system, creates better head spaces and helps us show up better for ourselves and those around us. Healing is painful, and when we’ve gotten to a good place, we frequently are required to address a new issue from our pasts that we would not have had the tools to handle until this very moment.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the same grace you would give to others.

The older I get the more I realize, there are few absolutes, most people are dealing with a ton of things we know little to nothing about, shame creates cycles that harm, and love and forgiveness can fill in the holes we have in our souls. A big piece of healing is forgiving yourself for what you couldn’t do better at the time or didn’t know better at the time. Give grace to yourself because forgiving yourself gives you the freedom to continue your journey.

Keep healing…. you’re worth it.