No! It’s a complete sentence.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment for a pelvic exam. As I was getting the normal run through of preliminary vitals and questions “do you feel safe in your home?’ “Are the following medications accurate?” and so on, the patient care technician mentioned that there was a student following my doctor and asked if it would be okay for them to come in and observe my pelvic exam.

I sat quietly for a moment contemplating the level of stress that was already washing over me before I shocked myself by saying “No!” The patient care technician nodded her head and moved on to handing me the gown and paper cover, providing instructions for getting ready before leaving the room with the usual assurance “Doc will be in soon.”

After changing into the gown, I sat on the exam table, waiting. The wait is terrible for me. I nervously wait, thinking about the next steps and how exposed I feel in that exam. The more nervous I am, the more my palms sweat… the more my heart races.

The quick knock at the door came and my doctor entered. She greeted me as normal - we’ve known each other for well over 15 years. I really like and trust her. As she settled in this is the interaction that occurred:

Her “You said no to the student being in for the exam?”

Me “I did.”

Her “She’s going to school to be a women’s health doctor - specifically for this.”

Me “That’s nice, but I don’t want her in here.”

Her “Why not?”

Me “Listen, I have a lot of PTSD due to my abuse and having anyone but you see my vagina during this exam is not what I want to do.”

Her “Yeah, I get that but SHE’S GOING TO SCHOOL FOR THIS!”

Me “My answer is still no. No is a complete sentence.”

Now, Let me again state that she and I have always had a good and friendly relationship. She knows my kids names, their medical history, and some of my grandkids’ names. I trust and respect her. I know that she didn’t do this to hurt me, stress me out, or disrespect me.

Let’s dive in:

No!

It is a complete sentence. It may be the shortest complete sentence in the English language. No…end of story. It’s that simple, although sometimes people feel they deserve, or you are required to provide justification and explanations. We also don’t need to be talked into changing our minds for someone else’s comfort or satisfaction.

We do not need to APOLOGIZE for our NO’s!

Let me summarize -

We do not need to apologize, justify, or argue for our NO’s!

Now, I want to especially call out our medical professionals to do better. As a woman who was sexually and physically abused as a child for many years, I have a lot of trauma - which I speak about openly, but it does not mean that having witnesses look at my genital area is something that I am comfortable with. Many people already struggle with anxiety and fear surrounding their medical care - regardless of if they have a history of trauma or not. There is zero reason a medical professional should ever try to guilt or pressure a patient into allowing someone else to observe or participate in their care. They said no - that’s the clue for a full stop and pivot to the next thing.

Medical staff- please respect your patient. They don’t need to share their reasons or have your approval. It’s vital. This applies to your male and female patients. Many men have reached out to me to discuss their trauma and how the touch of certain doctors makes their skin crawl - but they still just sit back and deal with it. Living in discomfort - which also means they often will avoid medical care unless absolutely necessary.

Saying no can be hard, setting that boundary and holding it can be hard. The last thing your patient needs is to feel shamed for advocating for themselves. When someone sets that boundary - says no - please respect that!

As a survivor of trauma, I’ve also struggled over the years with holding my boundaries and would instead people please, give in and then internally suffer in my discomfort rather than make others uncomfortable or mad. So, me saying no to my medical professionals was a big deal. Holding firm to my ‘NO’ under pressure was also a big win for me.

If you are reading this and have held firm to a boundary - I’m proud of you. If you read this and are struggling to hold this type of boundary - I see you and I hope it inspires you to be brave enough to hold your boundaries, say no, and demand that others respect it.

For more information about boundaries - feel free to look around my site - several of my blogs discuss boundaries and how to set healthy ones.

Feel free to leave a comment here, tell me about a boundary you were able to set and hold or tell me what you struggle with when setting boundaries. Let’s have a conversation!