Unlearning is Freedom
The moment you changed your mind was the moment you grew! Changing your mind isn’t a failure, it doesn’t take away your past decisions, but it does require you to confront new information and think ‘This no longer aligns with what I previously believed and thought.’ It allows us to honor the wisdom we have gained, and it requires us to stretch and grow. The mind is a powerful tool. We hear about stubbornness in the face of adversity and sticking to your guns - those both have their place. For the discussion here, the power to be presented with new information, to assess that information, to allow it to sit in your mind and challenge your previous worldviews, and then to realign your beliefs based on the new information you have gained is a superpower. That ability to pivot from previously held beliefs because you have new evidence is freedom. It is freedom to unlearn what no longer aligns and serves you. The freedom comes in the letting go.
We all know someone who despite our best arguments and efforts will never change their mind. We could present case studies and documents and create an entire case worthy of a highly paid attorney and they will still not budge from whatever stance they hold. It feels like talking to a brick wall. It is.
Why is it so hard to change our beliefs?
We are wired this way. We are drawn to the familiar, it’s cozy, it feels like home. It feels like grandma’s chicken soup (or whatever comfort food you associate with feeling wrapped in love). We are born into our family unit, we are raised hearing the biases and beliefs of those around us, from the home, to church, to school. From parents, to friends, to teachers, to religious leaders, to the news we grow up watching. Every piece of information is logged and helps shape how we understand the world around us. We are taught rules, regulations, and expectations. Get in line or there will be consequences.
As we get older, we are exposed to new environments and new beliefs from others. The world around us grows larger and smaller all at once. We see new ideas, new cultures, new perspectives and we have to take out our previous beliefs and examine them. When we are younger this is often an easier lift. We rebel, we challenge authority and the things we learned as children and adolescents.
In a previous blog (Fifty-one — Patty Croom) I mentioned that as I’ve gotten older I’m less sure of things than I was when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older, my previously held beliefs have been challenged, I’ve recognized that life and the situations we and others find themselves in, are not always so cut and dry. There are so many factors that influence our decisions and beliefs that it is difficult for me to lay judgement. Old friends have accused me of becoming soft the older I get or that going back to school and earning my degree has made me find excuses for everyone’s behavior.
I remember the first time someone said that to me. I did not have a clue how to respond. I was curious, confused, and a little offended. I didn’t make excuses for others, I simply recognized that their lives and past trauma’s created some of the behaviors and responses that they showed up with and in that understanding there was empathy. Not an acceptance but a grace I was able to give. I didn’t have to accept their behaviors or patterns or give them access to my life but I did not need to condemn them either. I could simply let them be, understand that I was not the person who would change them or heal them, and I could forgive them so that I could move forward without carrying the heavy load of anger and resentment.
When we are presented with new information that doesn’t align with our previously held beliefs, we have some choices to make. There are three basic approaches to where we go from there.
ADJUST - We receive new information, examine how it aligns with our previously held beliefs and adjust our beliefs based on that new information. Some people do this in a manner that looks effortless. They simply pivot and continue on. They admit that previously held beliefs were true, accurate, or complete and have adjusted accordingly.
JUSTIFY - We receive new information, examine it and determine that this specific case does not require a change in beliefs. It may be considered an outlier or we may dig in defending our old beliefs in an effort to hold strong to those.
DENY - We receive new information, examine it and determine that it is irrelevant or untrue and refuse to acknowledge or confront it because we cannot fathom changing our long held beliefs.
Humans are wired to avoid or try really hard to avoid pain. Change is often accompanied by pain. We resist it, avoid it, try to bargain our ways out of it. Regardless - we will still suffer. We lean into comfort and what’s familiar because stretching outside of that can be difficult. When it comes to beliefs the pain is also very real. If we change our beliefs we may be challenged and alienated by friends and family. Stretching outside of those comfort zones is difficult. Staying in those comfort zones and refusing to adjust our beliefs based on new information is also difficult. You have to choose which level of difficult you are willing to stand in.
I grew up with a strong religious presence and some pretty strong views on topics that are often at the center of political debates. I carried those beliefs into adulthood. I preached those beliefs, I taught them to my children and then I found myself challenged. My oldest child is and always has been someone who has questioned everything. She wanted to understand the reason behind every belief, every decision and she did not accept answers like “because I said so.” It was my fault. I remember saying early on that I wanted my children to question things and to think their decisions through and to push against what they felt wasn’t right. At times, I regretted that I had raised her that way - because she challenged so many of my long held beliefs. As it was, she asked me the why behind so many of the things in life I had accepted as just being the way it was or the truth of the matter. She came prepared and I had to unpack a lot of those beliefs, examine them, determine why I believed them, and then adjust and change my perspective.
I have been lucky to be surrounded by people who were not afraid to challenge my beliefs, to challenge my way of thinking.
In my early 30’s, there was a woman I had worked with, who I adored. She was smart, funny, hardworking, and driven. I had a great deal of respect for her. We were friends and worked together for many years, and remained friends even we both left that work place. Then one day I made a post on Facebook. I had been frustrated by a situation that caused me to be late and I made a post about it. She saw my post and felt extremely offended by it. She then took my post and changed some of the words of it. I saw her post and tried to defend myself. I hadn’t been saying what she was changing it to sound like. Her friends jumped in, everyone going pretty hard at me. She blocked me. I was confused, frustrated, and sad. This was someone I truly cared about, and I certainly hadn’t meant to offend her.
Some time passed and I was having coffee with a mutual friend who mentioned the woman. I asked how she was and mentioned how sad I was that I had upset her and even that I still didn’t fully understand how what I had commented had been taken the way that it was. As I again tried to justify and defend myself, this friend smiled and said “Patty, I know you didn’t mean it that way, but you also haven’t put yourself in her shoes and considered her experiences and how what you said might feel to her.” I stopped, I felt that familiar pit in my stomach, the one that feels like a ton of bricks has just been dropped on you. I remember just sitting in that, staring at my friend as I contemplated our mutual friend’s life, the challenges I knew she had faced, and the impact my words had on her. How the words of a friend, said in frustration, and in such a flippant manner, had landed painfully in her lap. How my words had felt like a betrayal to our friendship - even if that had not been my intent. I remember tears streaming down my face. She reached over to me and said “Reach out to her. I don’t know that she will respond, but you should try.”
I went home from that coffee date shaken to my core. My words had harmed someone I cared deeply about. How many times had I inadvertently alienated or hurt someone I loved because I didn’t consider their experiences before speaking? I was playing out conversations with people in my head for days. I finally reached out to my old friend. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to approach it. I could not even tell you what exactly I said. It was something along the lines of ‘I am not sure if you will even read this, but I need to apologize. I am so sorry that my words hurt you enough to end a friendship that I cherished. I love and respect you and I hope you are well. I am so sorry to have hurt you and if I could take those words back, I would.’
Days went by before I received a response. I had not expected one, to be honest. I was ashamed and I was pained by how my lack of understanding, knowledge, and perspective had harmed someone I respected. She responded, she accepted my apology. She gave me grace and told me that during the time that happened there were many other people and situations that had made her step away from people she had felt were friends. She also told me I was the only one who had ever reached out and tried to make amends. I am so thankful that I did. We mended what had been broken.
Changing our perspectives and beliefs doesn’t mean we are weak, it doesn’t require us to right every wrong we’ve ever caused because of those beliefs but it does require us to face ourselves and acknowledge that we no longer hold those beliefs. It requires us to adapt, and change, and realign with what we now know that we didn’t before.
Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This should be the way we live our lives. Not staunchly holding on to beliefs that no longer serve us or align with the wisdom we have gained. We should be ever evolving, questioning, and reshaping our perspectives.
Changing our minds is not being “wishy-washy.” Changing our minds allows us the freedom to learn, to grow, to evolve. That is my goal - to be a life long learner, to keep questioning the beliefs and systems I am surrounded by and to evolve. This allows us to show up so much more open, vulnerable, and kind to ourselves and to others.
From the living room to the boardroom, when we can lead with an openness to changing our minds, we create an environment where changing our minds is not failure but rather frees us from the shackles of what no longer serves us.
