Psychological Safety: The space we create for one another.
As an HR professional for many years, I have spent a great deal of time in coaching conversations around both professional and personal development. I have had people in my office broken down in tears, finally linking their response to something with a trauma they have lived through. These conversations can be deeply personal and extremely difficult. I always try to create psychological safety around what someone else has or is going through.
I coach managers on psychological safety in the workplace - creating it on their teams and establishing it on an individual basis through one on one’s with staff members.
Outside of work, in our friendships and in our romantic endeavors, psychological safety is extremely important.
Let’s dig in:
What is psychological safety?
At Harvard Business School, psychological safety is defined as “a shared sense of permission for candor” — the belief that people can speak up, share ideas, ask questions, raise concerns, and admit mistakes without fear of humiliation, retribution, or negative consequences. https://www.harvardbusiness.org/insight/may-2025-the-leaders-agenda-the-truth-about-psychological-safety/
In a nutshell, psychological safety is creating a space where open, honest dialogue is made possible because there is a joint collaboration, understanding, and respect that something will not be used to harm you in some way.
In relationships we frequently see the breakdown of a relationship play out for all the world to see. Facebook posts, TikTok reels, sharing private, sensitive information within friend circles to create harm to a previous or current romantic partner or friend. Sides are picked and people take information at face value. This even goes so far as to cause individuals to lose friendships, standing in their community, or causing them to lose their jobs.
Let me add some context to the above. I am not speaking of sharing information about someone who is dangerous (i.e. SA of a child, domestic battery etc.) that is an entirely different type of situation. I am talking about causing harm to someone when they have been vulnerable, made mistakes, etc.
Why is psychological safety important?
It creates and reinforces a feeling of trust and safety.
It is where conversations, even the most difficult, can happen and be worked through for growth, repair, rebuilding, creating, and evolving. Conversations can go deep without fear and conflict becomes productive rather than destructive.
When a person feels safe enough to share the most vulnerable, shameful, or difficult feelings, memories, decisions, and actions, they are showing up as their authentic selves. Showing them that they are safe creates and promotes connection.
Strong relationships can work through extremely difficult situations as long as both parties are fully engaged and participating.
It creates a sense of being heard, seen, respected, accepted, and loved when a partner or friend creates psychological safety.
Failure doesn’t feel like punishment. It feels like an opportunity to discuss, heal, and move forward.
What happens when an individual does not feel psychologically safe?
Individuals shut down, they can’t trust that the information they share or their emotional safety is guaranteed.
They stop sharing information.
They walk on eggshells to keep from upsetting you.
They avoid difficult conversations, often brushing over issues or not sharing concerns or truths.
They create distance.
They may move away from you physically.
They may create distance by getting quieter, more contemplative.
They will diminish themselves to avoid the pain of feeling betrayed.
False Peace occurs.
They avoid conflict.
They just tell you what you want to hear.
Relationships become superficial, avoid the hard stuff, or break.
How do we get to repair?
Both parties have to be fully committed and invested in repair.
Both parties have to be able to set aside ego and listen to hear, not to defend.
Too frequently ego gets in the way of true repair. We listen and feel we need to defend ourselves because of unhealed childhood wounds and triggers.
It’s acceptable to stay quiet and gather your thoughts or take a break, indicating that the conversation needs to pause as long as there is a clear timeline for picking it back up.
Outbursts have to be contained. Yelling and screaming, throwing things, walking out, slamming doors are all things that will break down connection and repair.
Comments can’t feel or look like accustations.
Be willing to put yourselves in the other persons shoes to understand their feelings and perspectives.
Take ownership into what is yours to own.
Establish ground rules.
If you are feeling overwhelmed during a conversation and need a break, what is the expectation you both can agree on?
What are things that make you feel unsafe? Be clear about them.
Try to understand their perspective.
Set your outcome. What is the outcome you want from the conversation?
Do you need to share new information?
Do you need to revisit something to create clarity or truth?
Do you need to establish ground rules for your relationship?
Do you need to discuss expectations?
Consistency
We will not always be perfect but showing up consistently can repair what was damaged.
We have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to say ‘I didn’t handle that well, can we start over or revisit this?’
Effort is seen.
As humans one of our most basic needs is connection. Sadly, because of trauma and environment, we know what we have seen and we carry those wounds into every interaction and relationship we have. Too often, though we want connection, our actions and words create the opposite of connection with the people we care most about. Whether we are the one who doesn’t feel psychological safety or we are the one who needs to create psychological safety for another, there has to be a willingness and understanding of the other person’s perspective and a respect for them as a human being. We are all going to make mistakes. How we recover and how we show up to allow others to recover will have an enormous impact of the quality of our relationships.
What relationships do you feel that you can show up fully yourself? What relationships are you holding back in? Who is one person you wish you could repair your relationship with? What is one conversation you have been avoiding? Do you need to have a conversation to talk about how someone made you feel psychologically unsafe? What is one thing you can do to show up better for someone?
