Safe or Silent - The Space We Create With Our Reactions

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. A month when focused efforts are made to improve understanding, warning signs, and general knowledge about sexual assault - what it is, why it matters, what is or is not a factor in a sexual assault and a time to give voice to men and women who have been sexually assaulted because 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls before the age of 18 being sexually assaulted is too high!

As a childhood victim of sexual assault, I’ve often been reprimanded for sharing my story. I’ve been accused of being too loud about it but the truth is - if it’s still happening to girls and boys today - we have not been loud enough. We have not been angry enough.

A year and a half ago I published my book When Will She Be Better. The book was a culmination of poetry I had written throughout my life as a means to process the pain, the guilt, the shame, the poor coping mechanisms, the stories that had impacted me deeply while being raised by my abuser, and finally my work as an adult to heal those wounds so that I could show up better for myself, my spouse, and my children. The book was deeply personal, extremely vulnerable and raw. Before publishing it, I remember telling my daughter that maybe it was too much, too raw. Her reaction and response live with me “It’s not a fun subject, mom. It should feel heavy, because it is, but you have always advocated and been a voice for those who can’t find their own. Don’t be silent now.” Since publishing my book, others have reached out to me to tell me that my story helped them find their voice or helped them believe they too could heal. I hope that my book continues to create a safe space for conversation among survivors and those who know and love survivors. I will continue to use my voice to help others.

As we are now almost halfway through the month of April - I wanted to post about it in a more intentional way than simply sharing pictures and gifs on social media.

A topic that doesn’t get touched on as much around sexual assault is the answer to the question “Why didn’t she/he say something sooner?” When someone asks me this question or I hear people say it in high profile cases I am fascinated that this is the question they choose to ask. Why not ask “Why did they not feel comfortable coming forward earlier?” or “Why didn’t they feel safe telling me?” followed by a geniune concern and understanding that something is missing in the way we handle assaults and our response to them.

Many years ago, I had a client at a nursing facility ask me about my last name and ask if I was related to someone with the same last name. I was, although I hated to admit it. I indicated that I was related to them. This gentleman then went on to talk about hearing a rumor that my relative had been found guilty of sexually abusing a child but they knew them personally and they had always been a “fun guy to work with” so they didn’t believe it and even if it had happened the kid probably did something to deserve it since girls look far more like women these days than they used to and a man is just a man. I was shaking with anger, and I did not hold back in giving this gentleman a piece of my mind. He sheepishly rescinded his previous commentary.

Now, I ask that you imagine being the daughter or niece of this person - would you feel safe going to that gentleman and telling him that you had been sexually assaulted? The resounding answer is probably not.

How we speak about the accused or those who report sexual assault is heard and remembered by survivors, shaping whether they feel safe coming forward. Survivors deal with a lot of shame and guilt about what has happened to them. They question every word they said, every move they made, every space they entered. They will continue to feel shame and guilt for a long time while they are on a journey to healing from the assault that was perpetrated against them. How we speak and react is either part of the problem or part of the solution.

Now to address the next argument “False accusations happen.” Absolutely correct. False accusations do happen. A long time ago a family member was going through a very ugly divorce. Their soon to be ex wanted custody of their children but one of those children was not theirs biologically. Soon an accusation emerged. DCFS and the police were involved. It was ultimately determined that the “step-grandma” of the child had coached the child to say these things and the person accused was cleared.

While that situation was scary and difficult to sit back and watch - I do not believe this gives a pass to immediately dismiss these accusations without proper investigation.

While we look to educate and shed light on this very real and painful subject, I feel that we all must ask ourselves how we act and speak when someone has come forward with an accusation. Do we show up with curiosity and empathy or do we show up with judgement and finger pointing? If there is immediate judgement - please understand that is probably the reason someone you love will not tell you their story - because you have made it clear you can’t be trusted with that information or are not safe to speak to. It does not matter if it’s a high profile case or a local, hometown case. Your words and reactions are noted and create the knowledge with survivors about whether you are a safe person or not.

How do you speak about victims of sexual assault? Do you ask what they were wearing? Do you ask how many people they have slept with? Do you ask how drunk they were? Do you downplay it and say they were asking for trouble? Do you make excuses for the accused?

HARD STOP!

As a society we need to do better. Sexual assault is very real. By the time children turn 18 years of age, 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually assaulted - that’s the number we know - and it is usually perpetrated by someone they know and trust. How we speak about sexual assault sets the tone for whether a loved one will feel safe coming to us about with their own story. Victims are often shamed by those around them, by their community and by the court system. The victim often becomes the person on trial despite what happened to them.

The scar of sexual assault is lifelong; even with therapy and the work of healing there are pieces that are carried for a lifetime by the victim. Let’s be better at showing up with empathy and care rather than judgement. Let’s be intentional about the space we create. It could mean everything to someone who is still deciding whether it’s safe to speak.