The Illusion of Control: Finding Peace and Power Beyond Childhood Wounds

POWERLESS!

Oxford Dictionary defines Powerless as being “without power to control or to influence somebody or something.”

Survivors of childhood trauma are left feeling that they had no control. They were not allowed autonomy; their feelings weren’t respected, their bodies are often not their own to make decisions about, and they have no power in the situations they are in.

Add to this that they are often made to feel shame about the abuse being perpetrated against them. If only they behaved better, if only they were prettier, if only they weren’t pretty, if only they were smarter. The list of self-deprecating feelings is long.

They are completely powerless and at the mercy of their abuser(s).

This powerlessness can translate into a need to control, especially when they have freed themselves of their abuser(s). By controlling situations and people, they believe they can keep themselves safe. To feel in control means to be prepared for danger and threats, but in reality, the need to control can alienate the survivor, steal joy from their lives, and even create an inability to form or maintain healthy relationships.

There are many ways this need to control may show up in their everyday life.

They may numb their feelings. Numbing their feelings keeps them from feeling overwhelmed. They check out to cope with overwhelming emotions. This can be seen in the person who spaces out and slides away even during conversation or in more extreme cases may manifest as addiction.

They may become very regimented and fight change. Change and deviation from the routines and structure they have established may be seen and feel like danger. They may be extremely resistant to change. This can translate into being argumentative in order to protect themselves and avoid change because it doesn’t feel safe to them.

They often feel strongly about what they should or should not do and how others should or should not act as well. They may lash out when others don’t behave the way they believe they should. They will frequently feel disrespected by others.

They may go to WORST CASE SCENARIO in situations that don’t warrant that reaction. This can be seen in situations where a partner may not respond immediately or in a way they anticipated, and they immediately are certain that the relationship is doomed, or their partner no longer cares for them. Prepping for the worst controls the amount of pain we feel if it actually happens.

They may always be waiting for the other shoe to drop…things are going too well, so something must be about to go terribly wrong. This type of behavior is meant to protect us from the harm that may come our way. If we can be prepared for the worst, we can control our pain. - but in truth simply steals the joy of today.

They are on an emotional roller coaster and in reality, are at the mercy of everyone and everything around them. They have an illusion of control but the truth is they remain tied to their trauma in ways that negatively impact their lives and relationships.

How does a survivor get past these behaviors? How do they find their power and truly have control over their lives?

The path to gaining true power and control in your life is in first accepting that you were powerless as the victim of the abuse you endured.

Years ago, I watched an episode of The Oprah Show in which something said struck me deeply and stuck with me. It went something like this (I have added to it over the years):

In order to heal, I had to accept there is nothing I can do today to go back and undo the abuse that happened to me AND I had to also accept that at the time there was NOTHING I could have done to change what was happening to me. I had no power in that situation to do anything other than what I did in that moment or in those moments to survive, because I had no choices in what was happening.

Hearing that was a wake up for me; it became my call to action. I repeated it often, sometimes in my head as I was feeling something, sometimes in the mirror looking at myself, sometimes out loud into the universe. Always believing that said enough, lived enough, I could heal all the trauma I had endured.

Accepting this truth helps survivors take back their power. The powerlessness we felt was real, we had no control then and we were not to blame.

We have to recognize that it’s time to put down the sword - we do not always have to be ready for the fight. We can live in our today with joy and peace.

This acceptance helps create that peace. We begin setting healthy boundaries, we determine what we will allow and not allow. We may remove people from our lives, we also recognize that we have at times been toxic to those around us. We forgive ourselves for what we did when we didn’t know better.

This new place of peace and acceptance creates the space for us to step into our own power and control in a healthy manner.