Live, Don’t Justify
In high school, a girl a year above me found out about my abuse, she weaponized that information, screaming it into the hallways. I remember the day, what I wore, how it made me feel and how unfair, untrue, and devastating her comments were.
What she said was untrue, hurtful, disgusting, and painful. While her friends surrounded her, laughing at what she had said, she felt emboldened and made it into a chant that she and her friends began singing as I stood frozen for a moment, disbelief and anger and hurt coursing through my body. Bigger than that was a feeling of shame - because my abuse created a feeling of shame, despite none of it being my fault.
I left the school that day, I ran hoping to find security, but instead I ran down the road towards my new home that didn’t feel like home. I threw myself on a bed in the cold basement that was my room as we had moved in with my aunt and uncle. No one was home that day as I cried and tried to understand the why behind what had happened. The sad truth - there is no good reason - kids can be cruel. Kids are struggling with their own stuff.
I have replayed those short moments that have lived, rent-free, in my head for years since. Sometimes in my head I’ve handled it in different ways; walking up and punching her in her smug face and watching her crumble on the floor of that hallway in front of her friends, wiping the laughter off all their faces (to be clear - I am not suggesting violence is the way). Other days I’ve imagined turning on her and confronting her, walking up, asking her who the hell she thinks she is. What I actually did in that moment was turn, shocked and horrified as a hallway full of high school freshman and sophomores stopped talking to listen and watch…and laugh. I then turned and walked out the doors of the school as she and her friends continued to chant and laugh behind me. I left the school, ran down the road until I was completely out of breath, tears and sobs making me gasp for air as my legs carried me as far from the school as I could go. Crying too hard to catch my breath, I continued towards home, went to my room, and buried myself under the blankets, sobbing as if my whole world had been pulled out from under me. I refused to go to school for several days after. I refused, begging my mom to let me go somewhere else, pleading to be saved from these girls. The following week I returned to the school. While there was use in that argument, the simplicity of it was that I was shattered and broken and even that knowledge would not have made a difference to those girls - it may have even given them fuel for their behavior. I was broken and shattered in ways I couldn’t even understand or vocalize.
That girl and her friends were not interested in the reality of my situation and that felt terrible. I doubt that if I had tried to explain, gotten witty, or punched her and dropped her to the ground that the outcome would have changed. People tell a story about others and share it, all the while too frequently missing vital details about what’s really happening with that person, either intentionally or not. Frequently, not sticking to facts but including their own ideas, filling in the blanks with the worst assumptions possible.
While this girl and her friends forced me to realize that my story would be misconstrued and others would tell my story for me, but with their version- I’ve also realized that sometimes people are absolutely neither interested in your side of the story nor are they deserving of it.
While that reality hurts and feels unfair - it is simply a truth. There are times it’s just not worth trying to explain yourself. The best response in some instances is walking away and simply realizing that they are committed to misunderstanding you.
Walking away and allowing them to think and believe what they want is often easier - the alternative often feels like walking into a wall repeatedly and wondering why you can’t get through to the other side. I’ve come to realize that not everyone deserves my time and energy, nor the explanations or justifications for my decisions, my life, or the things I’ve done. They have not walked in my shoes. Others are simply so fully convinced that their belief is accurate and therefore no amount of explaining yourself will convince them that you are a good person and deserving of their kindness.
Untrue commentary hurts and can feel very unjust, but I would argue that sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away, allowing them whatever beliefs about you that they want to carry. We are not here to please everyone. I also realized that telling my story in the right places, with the right people, could be beneficial. I told my truth in court, I told my truth in circles where others were suffering and then I published my story. The truth is telling your story isn’t bad, choosing who hears it and the platform in which you do it is important.
This is an ‘easier said than done’ thing for many of us, myself included. I have spent precious time and energy trying to defend and explain myself to people who never had an interest in learning more about a situation for the sake of deeper understanding. I have spent hours crying, trying to understand why someone would still spread something after I had explained myself to them only too find out they had twisted the information I had shared with them. This is a painful lesson to learn, and one I hope to help you avoid - or stop doing. Before explaining yourself to others, I would urge you to ask yourself “Does their opinion of me matter? Are they asking questions because they genuinely care about me and want to understand?” If the answer to either of those questions is no - save your breath, time, and energy!
My challenge to everyone is to take a few moments to consider whether those who are misunderstanding you are worth your time and energy in explaining yourself or proving yourself. I’d like to suggest that sometimes you are better off allowing them to move forward with their stories and beliefs about you and protecting your peace. When they are firmly committed to misunderstanding you, wasting your breath will not change their mind about you. When we engage in defending ourselves or trying to explain our reasoning to those that are committed to misunderstanding us, we suffer the consequences, and they gain more information to weaponize against us. It’s okay to be misunderstood. Instead of engaging, go through your day making the best decisions you can for the life you are living right now.
