Growth, boundaries and discomfort
When we are healing ourselves - we learn a lot about ourselves. It is only through hard, uncomfortable truths with the person in the mirror that we can heal and grow. That growth does not mean that we owe everyone or even anyone an explanation or pieces of ourselves. As I’ve continued to work on these things I’ve found that my growth makes others uncomfortable and in turn, my growth makes me uncomfortable with them.
I have had to come to some hard truths with myself - I want to please people, I want to take care of people, I want to coach people - but I do that at my own expense and too often I’ve done it when I know that those people will not show up the same way for me. I’ve also learned that too frequently as you begin to gain the confidence and healing to set appropriate boundaries - people don’t like that! They liked you just fine when you showed up for them, created space for them, allowed them to say and do things that didn’t feel good but you wouldn’t have a conversation about it.
I have found that the boundaries they have for others are not the same boundaries they hold for themselves in respect to others. When those inaccuracies or double standards are pointed out, they lash out. They will say cruel things to you, twist the comments, play the victim, lash out, and try to bait you into an argument or at least a back and forth in a game of manipulation and triggered behavior. In their own disfunction they struggle to hold a relationship, to maintain their own boundaries, and to respect others. They need to pull you back in and if those tactics don’t work there are a few others that might work - damaging your reputation in public or within your community or peers.
I can see my own growth - I find myself not interested in the fight, not interested in jumping in and asking more questions about some little snide comment dropped to get me to respond, I simply and silently move on with myself and my life. I cannot accommodate individuals who will harm me with purpose and intent because they are mad at me. I cannot tolerate it because it pulls me back into the disfunction I have worked so hard to overcome.
The commentary, the discussions with everyone that will listen, the snide and/or hurtful remarks are not about you - they are about the person saying them. They cannot fathom that you have had growth that allowed you to set boundaries and have conversations when the way they show up for you causes you discomfort.
I will admit this is a hard pill to swallow - there is hurt, grief for relationships that have been poured in to that will not continue, hurt that those people were there as long as you showed up for them the way they wanted you to but the moment your growth and boundaries made them uncomfortable it was no longer tolerable.
Have you heard the story of the frog and the scorpion? Let me share - and I hope I do my own coach justice when I repeat this here.
A frog comes upon a shoreline and is going to cross the river to get to the other side. On the shore is a scorpion who asks the frog to let him catch a lift on his back. The frog immediately responds saying that “No, you’re a scorpion and what’s to keep you from stinging me?” The scorpion counters that it wouldn’t make sense for him to sting the frog as they cross the river because then they would both drown. The frog contemplates this for a bit and finally decides to give the scorpion a ride across the river. As they are crossing the river, the frog sees that the scorpion has lifted it’s tail and before he can ask anything, the scorpion stings him. The frog, knowing he is going to die and the scorpion will die as well, asks the scorpion “Why would you do that? Now we will both drown.” The scorpion replies “I am a scorpion, that’s what I do.”
Often, we have known how these people are - the truth is we just weren’t healed enough to get uncomfortable. Once we were, we made them uncomfortable and they made us uncomfortable.
Over our lifetimes we will lose relationships - sometimes we are the reason, others we are not. At the end of the day, take the time to grieve that loss because it hurts - but don’t give up on your healing in order to make others comfortable.
