Understanding How Fear Influences Our Decisions, Relationships, and Leadership — and How to Stop Letting It Hold Us Back.
Let’s talk about fear.
It can paralyze us. It can become our self-sabotaging prophecy resulting in exactly the opposite of what we wanted. Why do we do this?
What is fear? A strong emotional or physical aversion to something or someone that is perceived as a threat.
Where does fear come from? Fear can be a genetic predisposition, or from learned experiences, and can be biological or environmental.
An example of a life experience: An older sibling tells you there is a man living in the cornfield who steals little children if they go too close to the cornfield at night. One night you are walking by the kitchen sliding door that faces the cornfield and see someone standing in the grass leading to you screaming and running to your parents for safety.
Or
As a child you are bitten by a German Shephard.
These experiences may follow you into adulthood and make you fearful of the dark, fearful of cornfields, or of living in the country or you may have a fear of all dogs or of all German Shephards.
The fears that we carry are most likely trickling into both your personal and professional life driving the decisions you make, unless we address them and retrain our brain.
How does fear drive us? First let’s look at relationships and let’s consider you have a fear of being abandoned by the people you love. With a fear of abandonment, we are going to show up being very watchful of the way the other person shows up. When we sense a change in the way the other person is showing up, we may internalize this and assume that we have done something to upset them. We will ask questions like “What is wrong?” or “Are you mad at me?” We may continue asking even after they’ve said there is nothing wrong. Our fear tells us that’s not true and we continue trying to figure out what is happening by repeating the questions. We will remain in our heads, thinking they are upset with us. This behavior repeats and can lead to a partner being annoyed and frustrated with us or feeling suffocated. Without the issue being properly addressed, a partner may begin pulling away and ultimately ending the relationship.
In leadership, a leader who fears making mistakes may avoid making a decision. They may give staff vague instructions or get opinions from others before landing on a decision. The vague answers may begin frustrating their team, other teams, and others in leadership. they may move too slowly for the situation and cause a bigger issue because they were trying to protect themselves from making a mistake. This may lead to distrust from others, who ultimately may determine that a leadership role is not the right fit for the individual.
In both cases, what the person feared most, drove the way they showed up, in their thoughts, words, and actions and ultimately created the exact thing they feared. Fear at the wheel most often creates the exact opposite of what we want.
As humans connection is a driving factor once our basic needs are met, but when fear is driving us, we create the exact opposite of what we want most.
When we understand that our thoughts words, and actions are frequently driven by our fears, we can begin to retrain our brains.
How do we re-train our brains when we have spent an entire lifetime operating this way? Time, identifying, creating a plan, practicing, evaluating, planning, and repeating. How can it possibly be that easy? It sounds too simple. It is…and it isn’t.
Time: It takes time to change our learned and engrained responses. It is important to know that you will have to give yourself grace, so understand this will be something you need to be prepared to do on a daily basis for the long term.
Identifying: We must be able to identify the fears we carry, and the why behind them, and how we show up because of them. Write the fear down, write down where it comes from (what happened to you that created that fear?), write down how that makes you show up.
Creating a plan: Once you have identified those fears, what’s behind them, and how those fears drive your actions and reactions; it’s time to make a plan. Add a column to the above titled What to do instead or Plan or whatever makes sense in your mind.
Practice: Start implementing that plan. It will not always work. You will fall into old habits, especially during stressful or high tension moments. You will forget the plan and react. The difference is that in making the plan, you will begin to recognize when you have failed to put the plan into practice. At first this may take place later, during the evaluating stage. As you continue to practice, you will find yourself catching it as it is happening…and it is okay to hold up your hand, stop the conversation, and indicate that that did not go how you meant it to and start over.
Evaluating: At the end of the day it is always good to look back over your day and go back through what happened during the day, how you showed up, how you wish you had shown up, and if you stuck to the plans you made. Identify what went wrong and replay it in your head the way you wish it had gone, and the way you wish you had handled it. Your mind will register it and remember it. You have now created a plan for how you want it to happen next time and your brain isn’t able to differentiate this replaying, as being anything but a real experience.
Repeating: You continue to repeat the process, always trying to improve, looking for areas that went sideways, identifying if another fear is involved or if a new fear needs to be addressed. You may find that as you get a good handle on one, another that didn’t create as much of an issue starts being noticed. That’s okay, it is the journey toward continual improvement, self-awareness, and healing.
Fear Fear
Being Abandoned Afraid to make the wrong decision
What Happened To Create The Fear What Happened To Create The Fear
Grew up feeling I was a burden and people didn’t want to be around me. I’ve been publicly shamed for decisions I’ve made in the workplace by
a previous leader.
How I Show Up Because Of This Fear How I Show Up Because Of This Fear
I constantly feel that people I love are mad at me if they I hesitate to make leadership decisions, frequently providing limited
are quiet or seem ‘off’ information, requesting other people’s input, which creates new issues.
The Plan The Plan
Instead of assuming it is that they are mad at me, Get clear about the information I need to have to make the decision.
instead say “You seem off today, is something on your mind?” Know that I may have limited information in time-sensitive situations.
Make a decision based on my expertise, my understanding of the needs
and values of the company. Give clear instruction. Own my decision.
Fear is a normal part of the human experience. It has benefits in certain situations, helping us identify real threats and survive. It can also have negative impacts on our lives, if it is what drives us everyday. When this happens, those negative implications can have long lasting impact both personally and professionally. Stepping away from fear and into growth is not a fast path, but it is one that will reward you, your relationships, and your life experiences if you put in the work.
What fear has been driving you?
How has it impacted your personal or professional life?
What fears have you overcome?
Are you a manager who is struggling and needs additional support? Do you lead teams with manager’s need additional support. Talk to me about Professional Development Coaching.
Let’s start the conversation.
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