Psychological Safety
From friendships to the workplace and every relationship in between, psychological safety is extremely important.
Let’s start with what psychological safety is. Psychological safety is knowing that what you say and share, especially from a vulnerable place, is safe. It will be listened to, respected, met with empathy, challenged with curiosity, and be free of harsh judgement.
Psychological safety does not mean that the person will unilaterally agree with you or sign off on your point of view - but rather they show up saying “I see you, I hear you, and even if I do not understand or even agree with you, your thoughts and feelings are safe here with me. I will sit with you, work through them, and allow you the space you need to move forward. I may challenge you, but I will do so with empathy and care.”
We are frequently asked in every relationship we have to share pieces of ourselves that have been deeply wounded, parts of ourselves that carry shae, or to share our intimate thoughts, feelings, and opinions. We do so trusting that the people we have shared with will show up for us with kindness, consideration, empathy, and respect. This is how connection is build and kept .
Sadly, we sometimes find ourselves learning lessons about others because of the way they fail to show up and remain safe people for us.
It is okay to be at odds with someone’s thoughts and feelings. We run things by those we trust the most. I often will phone or text a friend and say “I need some perspective, this is what happened, do you think I am perceiving or understanding this wrong? Is there something I am missing?” I have close friends that I turn to for guidance, who are often better at coaching me through a triggered reaction than some coaches or therapists have ever been. They are not afraid to challenge me, to call me out, especially when they understand that I have been triggered by something. They also understand that sometimes hurt runs deep and it impacts the way I view something or it may come up repeatedly before I am past it. They show up with curiousity, care, kindness and empathy. They challenge me to grow, to heal, to identify opportunities.
Knowing that I am accepted and loved at that level, even if I am in a bad head space, even if it carries on for months at a time, is a wonderful feeling. I know that I can be triggered, misunderstanding something, or at a level DEFCON 5 and they will still show up with kindness, patience, empathy, and love.
We all look for that kind of safety; the care and consideration that comes from mutual respect and empathy toward one another when we are struggling. We all need that type of safety.
To feel diminished, betrayed, belittled, or disregarded, especially when you are struggling or sharing incredibly vulnerable parts of yourself let’s you know that psychological safety with that person or group of people is not there or has been lost.
As friends, parents, partners, coworkers, and leaders we can feel or think many things when someone is sharing their pain, their feelings, their suffering - we are human after all, but navigation is key! Again and again it comes back to the response to the hurt, pain, oy, win, or loss that someone else is feeling and has shared with us!
Once safety is betrayed, it is hard to get back to a good place. The trust they once had in you will take a long time to repair and there may always be an underlying hesitancy to share with you.
A good friend of mine, several years ago, sold their house as their business began to get bigger, it was a small home they had built for themselves and their child. They decided to sell it because an opportunity to buy a larger home, with more acreage, a pond, and a workshop that would really be useful for their business. They shared their success, their joy at their ability to make this move, their success in business, not with arrogance but with a ‘holy cow, I am able to do this for myself and my child!’ attitude. Most of their friends clapped, congratulated them, and excitedly shared in their win. They shared with me that they had struggled with whether to share this on their social media because of their history and past struggled, and a feeling of ‘Who do you think you are?’ that sometimes came in to steal their joy. It wasn’t long before some whispers started among those who hadn’t clapped. Comments about them being a show off or thinking they were better. Occassionally, they tried to recruit people to their side. The truth is some people want you to succeed only so far. Don’t grow to equal their success and certainly don’t you dare exceed it. That sounds pretty gross when you read it, doesn’t it? But, some people are just not safe. This became a moment to recognize who cheers for you no matter their circumstances.
We see this come alive in other circumstances and cirlces as well, The person who gets divorced or whose spouse gets ill and passes away and suddenly their friends stop calling, stop coming by, stop checking in. Space and distance is created. Friends disappear and become strangers.
It happens in the workplace as well. We spend a great deal of time with our colleagues, we share our weekend fun, our wins, our losses, and they become our friends. We feel safe to share our hopes, dreams, frustrations, and challenges with them. There is a comradery; a common ground. They know when we are having a good day or a bad day just by looking at us. But, shifts can happen and things can change. Suddenly those people you thought you had a connection with become unsafe for you because your name is no longer protected, they no longer show up with empathy, curiousity, or kindess. It feels like a kick in the gut.
As partners, friends, co-workers, and leaders it is important to understand not everyone will navigate or show up the way you want them to. They also may struggle longer or differently than you do. It is also important to have the right conversation with them. Never pretend to be safe if you cannot navigate without judgement. Don’t tell someone they are safe with you and then weaponize what they have shared with you to diminish them or harm them. They trusted you. Challenge them, if you must, but do so with kindness and empathy, with care and curiousity to understand.
We all have missteps at times; apologize and move forward and do better. Understand that you may have lost the trust of that person and an apology may not fix that.
The world is hard to navigate. Most people have more going on than you are aware of. Be a safe person for those around you. If you can’t, please don’t pretend to be…it makes the harm even worse. How we show up matters and people will always remember how you make them feel!
