Finding Your Place

Growing up and coming into adulthood, there was a common theme and struggle that I could not seem to overcome. Truth be told, I sometimes struggle with it now…I have simply gotten better at recognizing what’s happening and shifting my thoughts. Throughout my life, I often lacked a sense of belonging. Whether in my own family, in my friends’ groups, in social settings and so on, I felt out of place and alone in so many circumstances. There were, of course, moments and certain people in my life that felt comfortable, like home, like a place I belonged, but for the most part, feeling alone in a room of strangers and as if I did not belong there was a common theme in my life.

When I did feel at home, there was still a sense of anxiousness, a guarded nature to the way I showed up because I was acutely aware that a wrong move, whether word, gesture, or action, could strip away all the love and belonging I felt.

How did this translate? I was guarded, careful, and tried to be perfect. Perfectionism meant quieting who I was and trying to be accepted and more like those around me in an attempt to be part of something, to have connection, and to feel loved.

It is a lonely place to live! That place where you are always planning and regulating your next move, the way you speak, the way you laugh, your volume. You live in a state of constantly second guessing and rethinking and analyzing every single thing you say or do. ‘Was my laugh too loud? ‘ ‘Did I laugh too long?’ You spend a lot of time replaying conversations and wondering what a raised eyebrow or a look between two people meant, ‘was that about me?’

It is a miserable and anxious way to navigate life. It leaves a person mentally exhausted. At some point, you get very good at switching out masks and being exactly who the people around you expect…all while feeling like you don’t even know yourself or that you can never be yourself.

It ties hand in hand with believing we are not enough…not good enough for the job, not on the same level or as good as the people around us, not smart enough, NOT (fill in the blank) ENOUGH!

Living in this state is frustrating, performative, overly critical of self, inauthentic to yourself. If you know this life, you probably have a few more words or phrases to throw in here.

Is there a quick and easy fix? Absolutely not!

Or maybe there is an easy fix but it is not quick. It takes practice. It requires intentionality. It is actually easier than you have been led to believe!

Experiences + Self Talk = The way we see ourselves and the world. HARD STOP!

Let’s review:

YOUR LIVED EXPERIENCES PLUS THE THINGS YOU TELL YOURSELF ON REPEAT CREATE THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF AND THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN!

I can hear it now ‘but Patty, you don’t understand what I’ve lived through or what happened to me.’

You’re right, I don’t. I do not (nor does anyone else) have the exact same experiences as you. Not even the people who walked beside you or were there for those experiences!

Let me explain. If I am in the market for a new car, I will start by driving through some car lots and seeing what catches my eye. I might even ask a few friends what they think of their cars. My next step will be asking my mechanic (who also happens to be my husband) for some insight and candid feedback on the cars that have caught my eye. I know that he will tell me if something should not be purchased and when he feels very strongly about a car not being good, he will tell me that if I buy it, I’ll need to find a new mechanic. HAHA! As I determine and toss around my options regarding the best vehicle for me, I will start to notice those specific vehicles all around me when I am driving.

Why does this happen?

This doesn’t happen because suddenly more of those vehicles are on the road but rather because those are the vehicles on my mind and so I am more likely to see and recognize them.

When your mind is focused on something you begin to recognize it all around you. This is true in all areas of your life.

If you are looking for terrible human beings, turn on your news, check out the police reports and you will find them. Research how many criminals live near you and you will be shocked and have it reenforced in your mind that you are surrounded by terrible human beings.

If you are focused on good people doing good things, you will find imperical evidence to support that there are good people doing good things all around you.

Now let’s take this back to our earlier topic - a sense of belonging and a sense of being enough.

The stories we tell ourselves in our minds create our reality - those stories are usually based on our lived experiences and we fill in any blanks in both with a story - usually a negative one.

Brene’ Brown has spoken about this as well, and while I will probably botch this a little bit, let me try to summarize what she said to give you the gist of it. When walking into a room full of strangers, most people will say to themselves ‘I hope they like me.’ or ‘I wonder if they will like me.’ Brene’ proposes that you instead ask yourself ‘I wonder if I am going to like these people.’ It stops the loop of anxiousness; it changes the focus.

We begin looking at the people around us and asking ‘Are these my kind of people?’, ‘Do these people share my values?’ “Do I respect who these people are?’ If the answer is no, why are you bothering seeking their approval and spending your time trying to impress them?

For me this shift is both easy and hard. Circumstances can sometimes create a situation where you struggle, where you slide, often without noticing, into old habits.

The past year and a half has been a combination of falling into the struggle and then sliding back into old behaviors and habits that were learned early in life and then recognizing what is happening, recentering and moving forward which opens the door for opportunities.

A business I have loved and poured myself into was sold.

My position with the new company was extremely precarious.

A new role that required a lot of adjustment and navigation presented itself and I had to figure out how to navigate that but it has allowed me to focus on people more than compliance, which for all who know me, is 100% more in line with what drives me and fills my soul.

A loss of some long time friends and connections as I found my name wasn’t safe in spaces I wasn’t in - but that cleared space for energy to be poured into new connections and an appreciation for those who kept my name safe.

An opportunity to move across the country on a grand adventure that would never have been a possibility if the company hadn’t sold and the new role hadn’t presented itself.

Life can be extremely difficult…no one is immune to those challenges. Life can also be extremely rewarding. Every change, every struggle, and every opportunity always comes down to how we frame those events and situations.

As I sit here this morning, looking out over this patch of dirt that I can call mine, waiting to start my day, I realize that I have always belonged. Sometimes I was just sitting at tables, or chasing people or things that did not belong to me, trying to fit into boxes that were not meant for me. When I am not true to myself, I suffer.

I am enough and I belong. In the moments I feel those two truths are not aligning, it is time to ask myself if I am in the wrong place or with the wrong people for me and my peace.

We find ourselves by being in the right places and spaces with the right people. There are times we also outgrow spaces, and places, and people…and that is perfectly okay too!

We should constantly be assessing if we have found our place and adjusting when it is no longer the right fit for us. And sometimes, the table we are sitting at is not meant for us, and we need to find a new table or, maybe it’s time for us to build our own damn table where we will belong fully.

I hope you find your peace and your place!